There are the "staples" of mobile gaming that have critical acclaim, such as Angry Birds and blah, blah, blah. The million-dollar IPs. It wasn't until my recent search that I came to realize two shifts that have occurred in this market:
1. Everyone is making "city building" games.
2. The new App Store blows.
Now, don't get me wrong. As a kid, I had some secret love for Sim City on the SNES and PC, and even the obscure sim titles, like Sim Ant and countless others. They were great fun, building, creating, micromanaging until I was content with the layout and town rating or whatever other rating you could get.
Well, more often than not, I would just destroy parts of the city, launch a coaster car off the rails, and call it a night.
Regardless, clearly the genre is a popular thing -- simulation of these things really is fun! So, despite knowing what modern city building games are about, I downloaded two.
PARADISE COVE
A GAME THAT TAKES AGES
Paradise Cove? More like Gonorrhea Cave
Paradise Cove was the first game I tried out and was kind of hooked for the first bit. The game presents you with this giant map that has landmarks you're trying to build to, while systematically fending off pirates and searching for treasure.
The problem? The game quickly forces you to pay to expand your land. First off, I am someone who hardly pays for apps, much less will I ever pay "$0.99 for a BASKET OF CURRENCY PUPPIES". I know that these options are for the impatient and overly-excited and that all content can be unlocked with hard work and opening your iPad every few hours minutes to click things. Now, I thought with land starting off at 43 some odd coins to buy a small square, I did not expect a massive exponential growth for the cost. I was initially peeved that you pay that money, then you wait for some little dick to explore it. If you try buying another piece, that smug asshole comes back up and offers to sell you other god damn explorers.
No. Fuck you, Paradise Cove, I'm going to do this the hard way.
The problem I'm trying to get around to is that I'm 16 explored squares in (not all of them I purchased), and land now costs 2.071 coins, which is double what the last square cost. At these quickly rising prices...how am I going to explore all the land on this fucking map?
That fog is so selectively thick!
And that's cutting out a large portion of the top part! I don't want to eventually be forced to pay a number that doesn't actually fit on the screen.
To be honest, I shouldn't be surprised. It would really be okay if it wasn't for all the waiting involved. 8 hours here, 4 hours here, 2 hours here, 24 hours here...it's all so random and not at all easy to remember. Like...Tiny Tower for example -- times were all over the place, but they were easy to see and there were some reasonable times! This is unreasonable in it's times and money earned: a single house takes 8 hours to build and it's revenue is 4 coins every two minutes? No. Screw you...Parasite...Blows!
Yeah! Bitch.
While this game continued, I also chose to partake in this little "gem".
THE SIMPSONS
FUCKING GET POKED
I don't even know the Simpsons!
This fucking game I heard about from a bunch of news sources. Like, game journalist sources. That means it has to be different, right???
Wrong. This is the same of game, but with a tutorial that holds your hand like your fucking mom.
That kind of mother. Fuck that mother.
While it lacked the energy bar that Paradise Cove has (thank Christ), it demands that you connect to their servers and it took me half an hour to do so for the first time. Then it's another half hour for the tutorial! Once started, there's a short cartoon that sets the scene. The Simpsons then come out throughout this game, and tell you what to do through humorous little banters with themselves and others. It's all very decently written and it looks good, like the show does, which is so much better than Paradise Cove's art style -- inconsistent styles with people that, really, just exist to look dumb. But despite being comical, it has way too much dialogue and it gets boring, fast. It's the Super Paper Mario problem; it may be well written and a joy to read, but it's getting in the way of the game.
Once past the tutorial (which I don't think actually ends, just becomes sporadic), I'm introduced to several different kinds of currency. After a day passes, I've racked up a good amount and should be able to buy some nice shit, right? NO FUCK YOU!
Most everything in this game is handed to you through this extended tutorial by "story quests", and most of the items are inaccessible until you reach a very specific level, wherein the game will then teach you how to buy it and AUUUGH!
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It was at this point I realized why these games exist. To start, if you download all of them (and there are a goddamn lot of them), you'll never leave your iPad again. Who the fuck needs a real life when you've got so many VIRTUAL ONES to take care of?!?! I found myself switching frequently between just these two, most of it was pointless, but dammit! These games are meant to played with other versions of these games. And they rightfully should be, lest you be tempted to pay for what the game gives you in small doses, which is an evil that will condemn you to a special circle of hell, reserved for people who like pressing on things repeatedly.
But, ultimately, I come to the final point: I can't help but feel like these types of games are dismantling the genre they are loosely based off of. "You're just fucking ridiculous," you might say to me. "You just can't understand the realism these games provide," says another, more annoying person. "Shut the fuck UP!" I retort.
Look, imagine if you bought Roller Coaster Tycoon today. That's a game we've all played, right? It's a hella-awesome simulator game. The standard in today's market requires, if you want to sell it for a dollar or give it away free, that there are micro-transactions inside of your micromanagement, otherwise you won't make much money. And if you release it as a full product at a full price? Well, fuck you, IT WON'T SELL.
You'd be forced to charge a few dollars for the steel mini coaster design. Or a dollar for a "Concession Stand Special Pack!" that includes necessary things to keep guests happy, like bathrooms and food. That would bring in the money, right? And hell, let's just make our own currency too! "EVERY 100 ROLLAR COASTER TIKETS GETS YU A FWEE COASTER!" Price a bundle of those babies at $1 for 10 and you'll be able to swim in your profits. Fuck yeah. Money swimming is where it's at.
I found myself pining for those types of games, where it wasn't about waiting for things to get built or for villagers to finish tasks. It was about the management of the whole clock, from the gears to the faces. Not just the management of the individual cogs, hoping that you eventually have something that resembles a clock WITH THE 12 IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
The line was drawn a long time ago -- you can micromanage and wait, eventually getting the best rewards later. The option to pay is there, but it detracts from the challenge of building the empire! I just can't help but feel the line is getting closer and closer. Now...now it's almost becoming a necessity to pay into these systems, unless you want to sit in the corner of the employee Christmas party, telling Homer to make another snow angel, because your time is important, god dammit, and you're going to get that yellow house, even though it costs 143 donuts and you've only got 32 of them, and it only gives 2 Santa coins per 6 hours.
There's just so much missed opportunity here because the market is so ripe for these in-game currency deals. The ultimate question is this: At what point would you pay for a rocket mounted onto your queen ant's back?
Well, fuck, IMMEDIATELY DUH
