...and I've played Simpson's Skateboarding, Glover for Playstation 1, and Kane and Lynch, you know.
I've even played as Frank West until I couldn't handle it anymore, but never before have I been so quickly turned off and frustrated and anxious by a game so quickly. It was nice when it was nice, but then it wasn't. I think it irritated me so much that I have some stress related acne on my chin I didn't have two hours ago.
Saying this will be as unpopular as when I say how awful of a movie I thought Avatar was, an opinion which I still maintain. But settle in, because here it comes - I actually hate Skyrim so far. I think it's been terrible. It is so unconscionably frustrating I don't know how I can go on. Here is why.
As well, using Matt Muzzy rules, anything that might be construed as a spoiler will be in red. Here goes...
I'll first say that this game by no means, in theory, is a bad game. However, completely ruining all redeeming factors it may have to me is a sloppy and wet smorgasbord of technical shortcomings related to the progression and mechanics that all just smack of mistakes amateurish to even a Playstation 1 game and the part where I ALWAYS DIE. They are so prevalent that I simply cannot believe it has received so many accolades and high marks. I was so dumbfounded by this that I actually had to pause and think, genuinely, "is this the greatest prank ever? Is this game really actually so horrible that people pretend to love it so others will fall into the same trap? Is this the "The Room" of video-games?" Of course, it is not, and it would seem people honestly love this game as much as they say they do. I am not one of them. In fact, the only reason I am writing this is for a distraction so I don't go to bed livid. To conclude this intro paragraph, what the actual Hell?
I initially let this one slide under my radar because I thought it didn't look like my style. It seemed boring, tedious, nerdy and forgettable. I didn't even give it the time of day. It was so forgettable that I don't even remember the moment I decided to not give it any credence. Then it came out, and people were so excited I feel like many of THEM came, all over twitter and the rest of the Internet. Unreasonably inappropriate play on words aside, people went bonkers. I couldn't escape it. It seemed EVERYBODY owned and loved this game. Not just loved; more than a few people said it was the best game ever made. There is no way.
So I thought I should maybe give it a second look. Maybe I'd prejudged too soon. I've never been one to give fantasy much of a shot, but I thought this might be the game.
I got the game as my big Christmas present, and I finally played it. Yeah, my initial prediction was much closer to base than I thought.
I'll admit, I clocked in several hours because I have no friends or a girlfriend or many current hobbies or activities of significance, and I'll admit, for most of those hours I genuinely was kind of enjoying it. I started off rough, though. First, I spent like a half hour designing my character (a dark elf that looks like Abe Lincoln) and when I thought I pressed enter, the game scrapped it and started over for some reason. I had to do it again.
And soon after, this led way to the biggest, terminal, game-killing cancerous cyst on the side of Skyrim - relentless attackings from the game's other characters. Not just even characters! Pivotal characters! Ones you need! You slip up once and they will have it in for you. They will kill you. You can't avoid it. You can't run, and if you saved within the time the character consciously made the decision to kill you, you've made your bed. It's over. I had to RESTART a game because I accidentally struck the first actual character, Hadvar, that I met, and he needed to kill me. Then, when he'd succeed, I would spawn back where I began - right before him killing me. I couldn't not get killed either, because he was too strong and I couldn't escape and I couldn't even kill him! I was trapped. I had to actually RESTART. I chose to go with Ralof this time around, and I decided to watch my step and not strike him with a sword. But come on, it's a video game: there's no way I'm the only person who struggles with self-restraint with video-games. Every good person does, and game companies are suppose to recognize this and accommodate and be forgiving. Skyrim doesn't. Instead, they give me a huge middle-finger in the form of a not-even-very-impressively-designed Nord. The whole game doesn't even look that nice. It plays like, once again, a Playstation 1 game if you ask me...or a PS2 if I'm being generous.
In fact, as I was playing initially and having a moderately enjoyable time, I couldn't help but draw the parallels regardless Skyrim seems to have with the Uncharted series, Bioshock and Red Dead Redemption. I thought, "If all these games collided at high speeds into Assassin's Creed's boring ass and a Big Daddy pissed on the carnage, you'd have Skyrim."
Think about it. Draw the similarities. Bioshock's first person, hands projected and shooting our flames dynamic, Red Dead's necessity to round up useless items everywhere you go, Uncharted's underground ruins and catacomb types things, and like every single game that has ever had a catacomb, horrible zombies that are nearly impossible to kill. And mostly, Assassin's Creed's tedious repetitiveness and boring time period. It's pretty indisputable, but sadly the aspects that it seems to borrow from other games aren't even the best parts of those games. I think the Uncharted series is leaps and bounds better than this, Bioshock is my favorite game ever, and Red Dead was at least playable and had a fantastic storyline that made me want to play it. Even Assassin's Creed was better, and I couldn't even finish that.
I don't even want to play Skyrim anymore. I don't like it. I don't like the animations, the perpetually pissed off and ravenous characters, the story is boring, the environment is sparse and cold...I don't even know what I DO like about it. Every time I found something I liked, I would literally just get killed. Every. Single Time. For example, a fox is my favorite animal. I found on in a valley and I decided to run around with it. I wasn't going to kill it or anything - I wouldn't even dream of doing that even in a video game - and it was really nice and relaxing. There was glorious fantasy music and the cute little fox was panting, and it was harmless and pleasurable...and then some goddamn wolves killed the shit out of me. Just like that. I couldn't even chase a fox without pissing off some wolves for no reason. Then the fox was gone. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU
But I just think the worst part is how definite it is. You accidentally kill a guy or make him angry, and it's irreversible. "Fuck you," says Skyrim. "Deal with it you asshole." I've figured out why every single person in Riverwood is trying to kill me too. I killed a single chicken I shouldn't have. That's it. Before an elf, Faendor, was trying to kill me because I was simply on his property. No, I actually just walked past it. I can't talk to him now to finish a mission because I pissed him off. That part of the storyline is wrecked irreversibly. Now the next person I'm supposed to talk to, Ralof's sister Gerdur, for the progression of the game is trying to brutally destroy me...and she's also unkillable (at least to my knowledge). I can't leave the town fast enough because they will chase me, I can't fast travel, and I can't find refuge in a building because they spawn inside of every one I go into. I find myself trapped again...because I killed a chicken. I killed a chicken and ruined the entire game. Is that how this whole stupid thing is? Moments earlier I walked into a pub, and I kid you not, I kneeled down - that is ALL I DID - and the barkeep started to attack me with a huge massive battle-ax with his wife. They killed me several times. Oh my god. Now I can't go back into the pub without them trying to kill me, because I committed the sin of kneeling near a cheese on a table. Of course, I can't even BE IN Riverwood because EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO KILL ME AT ALL TIMES. I completed a Dragon's Claw mission, which took like three hours, and when I went to return it I found I hadn't actually completed it. I needed to go back and kill one zombie I had neglected to kill because I didn't walk near enough to a wall that would trigger the spawning of the zombie. So, I went BACK again, then I went to Riverwood to complete the stupid mission finally. I went to Lucan Valerious's shop and before I handed him the Dragon's Claw I went upstairs. I saw a bottle of wine on the table. There wasn't anybody up there, right? No, I was all alone. I decided to take the bottle of wine...and FROM DOWNSTAIRS, Lucian Valerian screams "you shouldn't have done that!" and runs up and kills me with his sister. This sister, if I can remind you, whose boyfriend tried to kill me because I walked past his house. Is this because I am a Dark Elf? Are they racist to Dark Elves in Skyrim? What is it?!
I'm only going to finish playing this thing (if I even physically CAN and if Riverwood will let me if I can run FAST ENOUGH to Whiterun because I DON'T EVEN HAVE A HORSE) because it was a very nice gift and I own it and there's no way I could sell it and get that money back. But I really don't want to. I like games with men in suits and hats and relatively modern politics. I am still so excited about Bioshock Infinite and Grand Theft Auto V, and if any of those come out while I'm playing Skyrim, I'm going to drop this shit like a hot potato. Hopefully I'll be able to kill a chicken in Bioshock Infinite without a whole city trying to massacre me forever and ever after.
I give Skyrim so far a D-
